Lost in abstraction

10 trillion-The number of cells in an average human being. That’s more cells than the number of people on the planet. 10 Trillion cells. All working in unison humming every second or two.  From a certain point when we tumble forth into the World.

Such enormous complexity in such a simple and fragile exterior. All it takes is a poke, jab, blow, or fall to end it all. What is the end of it all anyway?

Then there is the brain. The most amazing few million cells. Lets call them “the specially chosen”. The brain that is capable of observing, and being observed at the same time. capable of perceiving reality and understanding abstractions. Capable of writing love songs and planning the most vile campaigns that are meant to destroy every living being in its vicinity.

Life surely flows through streams and rivers of thought- through fables of heroes and the horrors of villains. Through the frustrations and pain of suffering to the serenity of contentment and love. Life is everything and nothing- all in one. The proverbial World that is presented to us through the eye of a needle.

For millenia – scientists, doctors, healers and the curious ones have been studying the “how” of life. How does so and so work? Every year we recognize and reward those who tell us something truly unique about the how’s of life. I wonder how many of us have asked this question.

Why?

Why must we live? and why is the opposite of living- dying? What is living really? Is it me perceiving the things around me and other people seeing me move? If that’s the case then I’m no more alive than a car or an airplane. If living means learning, understanding, moving, and observing- that means the laptop I’m typing on is as alive as I am (and maybe better at it!) If it means feeling emotion- then half of the organisms that scientists classify as “living” aren’t really alive. And if it does mean responding to stimulus- then a dead person is as alive as a person alive- the body still responds to the stimulus (of rapid deoxygenation) by turning blue.

Yet somehow, all these suppositions and arguments seem incongruous.

A brief objective and dispassionate look at the World seems to suggest that its nothing more than an experiment in motion. Just like a scientist who mixes chemicals in the lab- just too see if the result, a great thinker suggested that nature is one big experiment called evolution. Random, chaotic, survival rather than living, and a constant state of flux. Where every being survives day to day.

That does throw our moral compass out of gear though. If survival is the goal, then there is no “good” way to survive, no “honorable” way to live and no “destiny” to fulfill. All that matters is eat or be eaten, kill or be killed.

And then- the biggest doozy of all time- is there a soul? if so what is it?

There’s something very reassuring about believing that there is a soul. Something that survives out brief existence of 50-60 summers in a planet that has probably has a hundred billion of them. Something that is ours- something that is us – that transcends. Gives value to learning, meaning to life. Just like the Philosophers Stone gives value to lead- turning it into gold. The kiss of death- something so scary- now turns into a divine transformation, where we are free of the physical bonds that bind us and many a times- burden us, into a sense of complete freedom. This is where we transcend into an abstraction- where we transcend flesh into thought. There have been so many books written by so many incredible thinkers, who after years of digging at the stem of life, discovered roots that were inexplicable and incredible- roots that were – for a lack of a better word- “divine”. Where does all of this fit into the grandest experiment of life- The evolution of the Universe?

I would like to believe that my life has meaning. And that meaning can be found by learning and understanding. I would like to believe that the crazy parts of life and the fun parts of life are there for a reason, that  my mind – muddy lake that it is- can be made transparent- and then I would be able to see the depths of cognition and perception. I would like to believe that the air around us is cackling with magic every moment of everyday- taking life from some, while giving life to others. Parching some parts of the World, while creating cherry blossoms in another.

I would like to believe that friendships and true relationships transcend time and lives, and the dead are not gone forever. I would like to believe that the voice in my head, constantly chatting with me, chastising me, motivating me, and protecting , is all the magic of the World somehow creating a “Reverse Butterfly effect” where I can travel through space, time, distance, and people, without moving an inch.

And I would like to believe that there is more to life then living, like there’s more to death than dying.

I also know that this entire premise rests on one word.

Hope.

Hope- the principal human delusion- simultaneously the source of our greatest achievements and failures.

And so I remain lost in this World of hallucinations- called Maya. Knowing that for every fact, there is an equal and opposite fact that’s every bit as true.

Like Le Petit Prince- my World has everything. And nothing.

Everyday in this World, I lose my self- in this wondrous abstraction called life.

I’ve been away for so long, I cant remember my face when I look in the mirror

One year, Eight months, One day. Thats the amount of time since I wrote on WordPress. In this period, the Arab spring in Syria moved into its second very painful year – taking many many lives, Assange showed the World what it means to have a point of view and stick to it- even at great personal cost, a small group of dictators passed into insignificance, and more being created. Some Indian men showed the World why they were despicable creatures while the the Cricket administrators displayed (yet again) why there’s nothing sportsmanly about sport. More recently an aspiring starlet decided to end her life over unrequited Love

Life seem’s to have changed so much in the past year. And yet somethings remain the same- my fascination with language and its impact on us, twirling around my little magic wand of words to get a confetti of adjectives, adverbs, nouns and prepositions and hoping- in far too many words- that my story (stories) may be shared.

And so there’s me- the horizontally gifted and potato shaped – checking in after a long time. Hopefully this time- for good.

The Ballad of a Traveler

I walk today across the hallway with deep melancholy,

With each step I take I feel my heart grow heavier.

I begin to play the Blues in my Mind and feel a wrenching in my soul,

Knowing I can’t cry because I’m leaving alone.

The swivel door through Security leads me to the antechamber of waiting,

For the Ferry rowed by Charon.

I’ve paid my coin and I wait for him row,

From the World of Love, to the World of destiny.

The World I love dissolves beneath me into a mist of fog, I touch the skies,

And the memories of a thousand happy times come rushing to my mind.

The ball of dust beneath my feet dissolves into the placid sky,

As the first rays of the Sun Cause me to smile.

A Traveler I am, an epitome of strength sublime,

Quests take me to uncharted lands to discover untold Hope.

It puts a smile on the Lips of people I Love because,

Travel to me is a journey to Self Discovery

My Love spans across continents, so my doubts begin to appear

I’ve left so much behind!

My work and Life takes me across the three continents of the World,

But my heart resides in Two.

The morning comes as the night darkness recedes,

I’m still in Ferrying toward my destiny.

The Sun winks at me through the first rays of his Light

And speaks in whispers to me

“I shine through the windows of Hope, to tell you today,

The people you Love reside within you forever,

Feel them alive within your soul,

And hear them speak to you alone.”

And I try to see them in earnest, as I hope for them to come,

I feel my Mother Hugging me, my Father Gazing in trust.

They want the world for me

I know they’ll never let go.

The One I Love holds me so tight; I feel my eyes go moist,

I can’t hold back the tears as she whispers ever so gently to me.

I smile in knowledge now, as I wipe away my tears of Joy,

My Loved ones are today with me, and Joyous forever I’ll be.

Hallelujah!

Over the past past few days I’ve realised just how beautiful this word is. I’ve been an agnost most of my life, and continue to be so, but this particular song made me realise that there is so much beauty in the World- such magnificence. Such magic!

While there’s still a some way for me to reach ‘old age’ I cant help but imagine a 70 year old version of me, and I must admit, at the best of times, its a scary image that emerges.

All good things in life have a habit of sneaking upon you when least expected, slowly seep into your soul until you realise, just how beautiful everything around you is!

These three aspects of life, i.e. beauty, old age and hope, were presented to me, by an amazing septuagenarian- Leonard Cohen and I have to say a Hallelujah for him!

While there have been good songs, bad songs, and memorable songs, I think this is one song that, if listened carefully, springs forth like a fount of hope- something altogether magical!

This is a song that needs to be experienced – so – to enter wonderland-

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YrLk4vdY28Q&feature=fvst

As I see him sing- I wonder about the horrors that the World had offered him in his formative years- The Second World War, Personal Tragedies, a very long era of self doubt, various paths of realization – the spirit of Music has remained with him.

If, after another 50 odd years (Assuming I live till then- which is doubtful!!),  if I can have the kind of passion, humbleness and grace that Leonard Cohen (again, click on the link). I shall consider my life well lived.

This is  the closest I’ve been to divinity- and a song that I’d want to listen to on my last day on Earth. Just to give me hope- that as long as the human mind and the human heart can compose music as beautiful as this- perhaps- Human life is blessed after all!

A Hallelujah to you Mr Cohen! A Hallelujah to you, for giving me something of permanence in this Evanescent world of ours!

 

 

 

The Karnataka Conundrum

This post is a lament.

Something that happens to a disappointed resident when the layers of anger, sadness and pain have been stripped, and tears dried out. What remains is a dull throbbing headache, and a desperate wail for help. So I have decided to write

To My Dear Chief Minister :

Please stop acting ‘defiant’  and leave your chair. Let it be occupied by lesser mortals who care about the city and the state. You remind me of a pampered kid denied a lollipop! Puffing your cheeks and jumping around throwing a tantrum.Grow up!

I’m tired of having a bumpy ride when I go to meet my Clients and I’m tired of the Police treating me and my friends as irresponsible kids. We get off work only by 8:30 or 9 pm and we would like to have a good time once in a while! By all means, punish me if I am DUI, harassing a woman, or whatever, but otherwise, please leave me the hell alone. You cannot improve my life, so don’t make it harder than it is.

I respect your beliefs, though I can’t claim to understand them. But places of religious significance need to be accorded the respect in society. The temples you want to ‘swear’ in, have stood long before you came here, and will remain long after the people forget your very existence. Please dont defile temples like you’ve defiled your morals.

Because when you’re gone, other people will have to clean up the garbage you’ve left behind.

Its only your coterie that wants you to stay back. The rest of us really don’t! Let a court of law decide if what your cabinet has done is ok or not. If you come out clean, trust me, the people will not forget you. But your image is too tainted, and at this juncture, we would not want to touch you or which ever party you belong to, with a 10 foot pole! You reek of ill-gotten wealth. Please clear your name before you ‘defy’ your party or your people.

We wanted you to have a shot because you were screwed over, so we gave you an overwhelming majority! I’m note quite sure what you’ve done with it. I am shocked, however,  with your selection of the Tourism minister. Please let us know why you’ve consistently supported the environment’s rapist-in-chief and helped him get the Tourism Portfolio.

What would he have to show the outsiders? “See, this used to be an ecological preserve until we ‘developed’ it. Now its a lifeless cesspool of red dust and SPM related health injuries for the unfortunate people.”

And finally, please remember, the CM’s chair is NOT your birthright. Slapping an MLA who woke you up, or throwing your party president’s laptop only goes further to prove that you really are, in fact, a small-minded petty human being addicted to power.

I don’t know if you still read the news but here’s a clipping about why I don’t think I’ll vote for you or your party anymore.

http://economictimes.indiatimes.com/news/politics/nation/yeddyurappa-smashes-venkaiah-naidus-laptop-slaps-minister/articleshow/9451084.cms

While I am angry, I would also like to tell you that we have all had horrible experiences in life – and probably this is one of your worst. It’s never too late to change yourself and see life a little differently than you used to. Please look at this as a wake up call than a betrayal.

Every religion on the planet preaches this, “The only people who do justice to the power bestowed upon them, are the people who do not desire power for power’s sake”

Every single great leader who helped mankind out of crises – used the power for people, and stepped down with grace when he/she was asked to. I’d recommend that you read our history before stepping into active public life.

Because we respect great leaders, and we want it to be you. We know you can do a lot better, if you don’t make a deal with the devil again!

My Renaissance…

We all deserve a second chance.  At times its the new environs that make a difference.

After being on Blogger for nearly 2 years, and not writing much, I’ve made a move. It feels a bit like shifting from one home to another. A lot of excitement, a lot of aspirations, Hope and expectations. The cobwebs of the mind are pushed to the corner as I look to explore (over the next few days) the functionalities of a new blog hosting site for me. From where I stand, it looks incredible!

Over the course of the next few months and years, I hope to make this place my own, contributing a bit to this large large community and sharing experiences, thoughts  and memories (most of the times, dark- and some – funny) in the hope that this transference would add some value to the readers life as well.

I have loved writing, and will continue to do so until I drop dead! People, places, thoughts  and memories are, evanescent, as they are meant to be. Through this blog I hope to hold on to them a while longer. And share them with people living life in its glory, pain, hope and sadness.

My special thanks to Fat Boy for making this transition simple and painless. He guided me through each step, through the countless irritating questions and tolerated me patiently until I tumbled forth into the World of WordPress!

So, please feel free to read around and drop in a comment or two on my previous posts! If it strikes a chord, and you have an opinion, let me know. If you absolutely detest the work and you think i really need to improve, let me know more!

WordPress is my new Home! The only difference between a ‘House’ and a ‘Home’ is the human element. A House has walls, a Home has people- people you care about, people you Love, people you fight with, laugh with, live with. I look forward to meeting all of you, albeit, virtually, through your thoughts, opinions and comments!

So… with a Heart of hope, and a surge of excitement…..

Herzlich willkommen auf meiner neuen Haus

मेरे नए घर में आपका स्वागत है

ನನ್ನ ಹೊಸ ಮನೆಗೆ ಸ್ವಾಗತ

Welcome to my new Home!!!!!

The Raincloud

Big brown eyes -This is how I will remember her long after she forgets my name and my very existence. Big brown eyes contain within it all that is beautiful in the world. Her big brown eyes opened doors that I had shut in my life- ages ago. I still wonder how I picked up an invitation into her life. I’m not sure it was meant for me.

She stands in front of me in that time of the night where street lights throw strange shadows on the streets. She stands in silent repose- Handles gently tucked into her jeans pocket, the soft breeze brushing past her cheeks and gently blowing her hair. The din of the night grows louder, and the people around begin to wonder about two people talking, non stop. This is beauty- in its simplicity – conversation without a care in the world. Its the simple things in life that make for the most powerful memories. I am going to remember the day half a century from now. Right down to the slight chill in the air, the dampness after the first rains. I can’t help but feel a sense of irony at the situation. She has come into my life like the first rains of the season – Bringing so much life, so much joy and so many colours. She stays true to her name- the bringer of hope to parched souls.

To call a person a raincloud is to put an entire generation’s hopes on a young girls shoulder. And as she moves around in life- I see her at work and I realise she is fighting toward realizing her Dharma- to prove to be a symbol of hope for a million parched people- like the first appearance of a raincloud over a parched sunny city. For a person I’ve just gotten to know, it’s amazing how she’s turned my life upside down. Whether it’s her gentle demeanour or directness of talking or a million other aspects of conversation, she has undoubtedly brought colour into my life. Or it may be a so many trinkets all perfectly color- coordinated, that make me wonder if I’d become so used to feeling grey that I’ve forgotten what it feels like to have so much colour in life.

Sitting at the desk writing a piece about a woman I’m just getting to know is superfluous, but again, very few people in the world are worth writing about. And even fewer people have it within them to stir up such passions and such warmth in people. I just hope, over a course of time, the spirit of good does not get tarnished by the morbid cynicism of the soulless zombies that traverse the world and office spaces..

A little tribute to my Valkyrie on a Honda- The Raincloud!

The Time of my Life

At the Finish Line!

“The journey of a thousand miles begins with one single step”- Lao Tzu

I used to see this quote everyday at School. While this was limited to school till last month, I realized the true meaning of those words during an epiphany at one of the most arduous tasks I’ve ever taken up so far.

I guess a small introduction is in order- I border on the obese, I have an affinity to junk food, an an incredibly unpredictable lunch schedule, and I think Bangalore is worth living in only because of the cornucopia of eateries. One could start the day having an early breakfast at Veena Stores with their incredibly soft Idli and crisp Vada’s with really fresh chutney, have a Masala dosa dripping with butter, Mid-morning at CTR, walk into MTR at around 2:00pm for a lovely lunch- fit for the kings, have coffee with Scrambled Egg Toast at India Coffee house, round up the day with a sumptuous dinner and nightcap at Ramada. And this is just the Karnataka cuisine roundup. You could have a similar roundup with North Indian, Kerala, Italian, Chinese, and Continental Cuisines. In a nutshell, Bangalore is good for eating places, I like eating good food. hence I am…. little too well rounded.

But I digress… Coming back to Lao Tzu’s Step of a thousand miles-or in my case- 10 km.

Looking back at that Sunday, I realize, running the 10k, was as much a mental effort, as it was a physical one. Through the 95+ minutes I took to complete the open 10k (Yes I actually completed- much to the surprise of all my friends, acquaintances, colleagues at work and even my parents) I lived through the entire set of physical, mental, emotional and psychological states of being.

And I enjoyed every moment of it. Here’s how it progressed –

At the start line: (7:55am, June 5, 2011 – Kanteerava Stadium)

I feel a chill in the air, a sharp breeze cutting across the Indoor stadium. 22000+ people have assembled here to run the 5k and 10k. Most of them are first timers (me included). and I can feel the air heavy with excitement and expectation. I feel my pulse race, and i know its not all good. Endurance running is about keeping calm and preserving energy, and not running full steam like the 100 mtrs. The world 10k for women has just started, and I know it’ll be a long long time before I even think of running like them. My goal is to finish this run. Nothing less will do. In my mind i try to see images of me at the finish line. All it does it make me more nervous. So all I think of is my first step. At 8:00 am we are let out of our holding areas. Its an incredible sight! so many people running, some for a cause, some for training, some just because they feel like it. I stand next to a 15 year old b0y, a 64 year old lady, 3 people in their mid 40’s and – believe it or not- 2 people on the wheel chair. I know I am a part of something special. I can hear a faint buzz growing louder. about a 1000 people have come to watch us run. There will be more along the course. I can feel a warm glow within me. But its time to get to run- 1 step at a time.

Starting time: (0 km, 8:04:25 am- Athletics Track, Kanteerava Stadium)

My Ipod tracks are as ready as I am. I decide to start with K’naan (“Wavin‘ Flag”) to help me get off to a peppy start. I have started at the middle of the pelleton– in hindsight, a mistake.If Ispeed up I run into people, If I slow down, others will run into me. As we run out onto the streets – My first challenge – uphill towards Kasturba Road, Crossing Prestige Centre Obelisk, and the Volkswagen Showroom. This is where I start feeling breathless. Running midpack is very different from Gym training. Everybody goes on overdrive and sucks up all the oxygen. After about 500 mts I start feeling very very exhausted. And I haven’t completed 10% of the race yet.

But my legs are just about getting warmed. I know I should be ok for a while. I slow down a bit and move over to the side for some air. It seems to work. For now.

1Km Mark (Chinnaswamy Stadium – 8:13 am)

The songs have started to get faster. K’naan has melded into to a couple of really fast Iron Maiden Numbers. They help me keep my mind off running. As I listen Adrian Smith play the guitar solo of “Flight of Icarus” I realise, I should be running a lot faster- Thats the adrenalin getting hold of me- and it feels awesome – for now. I decide to run the next KM faster. Probably the most stupidest thing to do

2km mark (Rajendra Singhji Institute, Cubbon Road – 8:18 am)

Yes! 5 mins to the km! 20 seconds of ecstasy followed by the rest of the race in pain. I realise I’ve over streched myself and now I’m stranded. I can physically feel myself going weak. My legs have started to cramp up and I don’t really know where my next sip of water comes from. I need it. Bad. I slow down to a canter. Thank you Bangalore authorities for making Cubbon road straight as a ruler. I can see a water station about a km ahead of me. So I decide to quit after reaching the water station.

3km mark – (The Army Canteen, Cubbon Road – 8:32)

That was slow. But the water has helped a lot. I think its time to move onto some slower songs for the next 15 mins or so. So Maiden and Metallica get replaced by Madonna (“Frozen”) Duran Duran (“Come Undone”), John Denver (“Country Roads”) and Alanis Morisette (“Hand in my Pocket”). The slow songs have helped calm me down. I don’t want to run fast anymore. Just get to the next km. I can feel the first few micro litres of Lactic acid in my calf muscles. They now physically hurt- but not too much. The running pack has spread considerably and it helps because I can feel more oxygen through my blood. This is when Biochemistry 303 (my 3rd Sem BT subject) pops into my head. Something about anaerobic glucose combustion within the human body getting converted to lactic acid while aerobic combustion leading to just Carbon Dioxide and Water. So i need to take in a lot more oxygen. Thats the plan for the next km- An oxygen fuelled jaunt.

4km Mark (Ulsoor Road, 8:43 am)

I remember remember now, why I ended up with 90 in Biochemistry instead of a 100. Apparently, when Glucose is metabolized the reaction is exothermic, i.e. releases heat- and lots of it. I will never forget how that feels. It starts at the base of the spine- a little pinprick that feels like a warm matchstick. and it takes a total of about 30 secs for it to spread throughout my body. Right to my fingertips. I am on Fire! That’s when everything around me turns a rather dull red. I need an icepack- lets make that an ice truck – to sit inside and hibernate for the next 5 years or so, until by body reaches the ambient temperature. I cant stop now or the heat will only increase. At least now i have the breeze to keep me company. And then a drop, two drops, three raindrops appear- followed by a slight drizzle. God is real. Years from now, this is how i will remember by first tryst with the divine. A slight drizzle to quench me. I think I’m entering a trance of sorts. I cant focus on my body anymore, it just hurts a lot.

5km Mark – (Halfway Mark – Cubbon Road, 8:51 am)

This has to be the km that I just don’t remember. Step after step, until, at the 6k mark. I see the volunteer team with a bottle of gatorade. The songs are now just a blur, and I cannot recognize them from Adam! There’s something about Life fading away and Someone screaming out about how its only his life, and also that he lives on a prayer! whatever.

6km Mark – (St Marks road – The Gatorade incident 9:00 am)

This is how the 6km shall henceforth be known. Gatorade has a zillion things to help a runner come back to his senses- but it feels like a singular dull thud and – as all systems are powering up for round two. I realise this is the maximum I’ve ever run at a single stretch, in my life. The Gatorade helps me get a small boost of energy and my head counters it by throwing the most godawful tantrum. I now have a headache too. It looks like the each part of the body now have a consciousness of their own. I have a bad feeling about this.

7.5 km Mark – (1st split – GPO – 9:15:25)

Its incredible how each person reacts under such duress. There’s carnage around me. Two guys have just stepped into a pot hole. I see a man’s feet turned the other way. That’s got to hurt a lot. Pretty soon, I see an ambulance come in and pick up the two guys. This has also made a huge group of people (about 30 I think) give up their quest to complete the 10k. It wouldn’t take much to give up now. All I need to do is stop. and I am not in a condition to start again.. I have decided to stop. Maybe I’ll do the 10k some other time.

8.3 km Mark (2nd Split 9:23:38- Cubbon Park – just after the High Court)

I didn’t stop after all. And this is why – I was about 10 meters from stopping when I saw one of the most inspiring scenes right in front of me. A woman in her late 50’s on a wheelchair- pushing towards the finish line. Her arms must be so numb by now. moving the wheelchair is a herculean task. I think i see blisters on her palms. Yet she does not slow down. It would be an honour to reach the finish line with her. Time for the last push. I have another 1.7 K to go. Its too late to give up. I can feel the bones in my leg now and I am limping a bit. But I will not stop. Right on Cue, Judas Priest decides to give me company (“Breaking the Law”, “Turbo Lover”). Its time to end this – the way it was meant to be. Running – calloused step by calloused step, until the blisters on the feet start to pop! That hurts. Also, its just me and the plants for company- The last stretch from Cubbon Park to Hudson Circle, back to the stadium. Its the home stretch- and its beautiful. The stretch is lined with Palm trees, After a good 20 mins away from traffic (traversing through Cubbon Park) I hear the din of the Hudson Circle traffic. I’m there- almost! The din grows louder as I strive to keep myself together. Each part of my body wants to go a separate way, and I’m sure they will eventually – but not today. Today is the day I complete the 10k. Nothing, will stop me now.

The Thin Red Line (10k Mark – Kanteerava Stadium- 10:40:15)

Such a thin red line- The difference between success and failure. 9.95km is not 10km. The last 300 meters is where all the action is-everyone cheering. my adrenalin fueled mind says maybe a thousand. I’m sure its not that high. The screams get louder. And there’s my moment- finally. Salvation!!!!!!!

The Red Line is crossed. The Photographer takes the final photo. and the experience is over- just as it began. One step to begin – One step to end

The Aftermath

Pain, Exhilaration, Emotions, Achievement everything rushes back into me in one moment. The 10k barrier has been broken. Words really cant describe the rush! I have made it. I will be one of the select few in the world who’ve breached the 10km barrier. I limp across to the refreshments stand to meet my fellow partners in crime. The Joy is palpable!

This is life! Learning, stretching boundaries, personal and professional. Doing things that seem impossible to do, falling in Love with the people around and realizing that you are all alone. Fighting others for finishing before them, and fighting yourself for finishing at all.

“Running is a Metaphor for Life – because you get ut of it, what you put into it”- Oprah

The 90+ minutes helped me experience life in its fullness. The love, the heartbreak, the pain, sorrow, happiness, joy, contentment, envy (a 57 year old client of mine completed the ting in 58 mins!!!!), and Fear.

Somewhere between 7.5k and 9.5k I felt so terribly alone in this World with only my life’s image for company. A particular group of people who matter a lot to me, kept popping up in my head-

My teachers who taught me to write and learn

My Friends

My mum and dad who allowed me to experience life

My Little drops of the rain for two absolutely beautiful years and for for teaching me that Heartbreaks hurt

All my friends – to Business Magnate who created the 3 Heads Group (Jackass!!!) and his lovely dearly beloved, to Billi, Mr Attavar, Fat Boy (He’s fatter than I am), The drunk screamer at the 8 Sem Party (Yes Ranj! thats how you shall be known henceforth),

To Gayu who helped me learn so much from her: Danke Schon dass Sie sich fur mein Freund

haben!

Mr Vin! who shows me by example that life can be fun when you’re alone

The Raincloud – a very special person who has given me the greatest gift ever- the gift of a life of love. – the one person who has brought so much color into my life.

Never mind that I spent the rest of the day mumbling in my sleep. Or that I couldn’t walk properly in the week following the event.

I am going to do this again, and again, and again. Who knows- maybe the half marathon (21k) Next time around!!!!

Of Animals and Man

After a month of frenzied action the world cup has finally drawn to a close. Young stars twinkled brighter than ever as old stars faded away.Many memories will remain- The football named Jabulani bouncing around with a football named Diego Maradona. Old men wilfully pumped up their BP while supporting their teams while the the young opened themselves up to a whole lot of going crazy. A beautiful month celebrating another edition of the beautiful game went by leaving in its wake memories of Love, affection, heartbreak and wonder.

What I would remember remember the most is a rather adorable cephalopod, about 2 years old, eyes forever half closed in a pose of meditation, moving around in a tank somewhere in Germany, probably wondering why every once in a while he wassubjected to a zillion flashes of light.

What amazes me, more than the obvious discussions, is the depth of human feeling Paul has elicited. Depending on where you stay the name could mean anger, hope, expectation, cynicism, contentment, belief, or prayer. Say what you will, I’m thankful to Paul because over the past one month, he has shown us a little more about what it means to be human.

Its nice to know that that very animals we pay so little attention to, teach us so much about what it means to be a human. One world famous chef announces that he is sharpening his knife while the president of another country announces relief measures ranging from temporary protection to adoption for Paul (or is it Pablo nowadays?). All the while I’m sure Paul ponders over the mysterious source of his next tasty tidbit.

Some more examples to show how much certain animals mean to us-

Sir Nils Olav commands a huge army and is a symbol of everything that’s good in the Norwegian Kings Guard. One must watch the respect he commands and the awe he inspires during parades as he waddles all along proudly displaying his rank on his flippers. Sir Nils Olav is an emperor Penguin

Lance Corporal William has been one of the Queens best in the army. He has had a wild time in the army- headbutting a drummer during the Queen’s eightieth birthday. He was even put through a disciplinary hearing for that offence and demoted to the rank of fusilier before being promoted again. I wonder- perhaps the Drummer upset him, or perhaps LC. William didn’t have his daily dose of whatever goats eat. Ya, apart from Being in the Queens Royal Guard and living a life of ‘discipline’ LC. William walks on all fours and bleats! Would you really blame a Kashmir Goat for Headbutting to show its annoyance?

– I can almost dramatize the disciplinary hearing scene in my Head

Colonel. LC. Wiliam, do you know why you’ve been called here?

LC. William: Maaaaaaaaa!

Colonel: You Headbutted a drummer- you made your company look bad, you disobeyed a direct order, you were found lacking in discipline, and you insulted the Queen

LC.: Maaaaaaaa!

Colonel: You are demoted to rank of fusilier. Now leave and think about the shame you’ve brought to all of us!

LC: Maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! (Trans: Idiot bipeds mumbling! Ooh there’s a pretty leaf and it just feels so right J )

All the while, our generation have grown so disconnected to each other- I think it becomes imperative to look elsewhere for inspiration- to see life a little bearable with a little hope- I guess that motivates most of us to look to the animals. In hope, in wonder.

What were the major happenings of this decade? Its easier for us to rattle off the attacks and deaths and doubts about government than it is to list 5 amazing things that made us feel happy to be humans. It almost seems like each one of us is a little Island of distress, doubt, sadness, some love, and a dimly flickering ray of hope.

In times like this perhaps- the tentacles of Paul, or the Flippers of Sir Nils Olav or the goat antics of LC. William give us that much needed bridge to understand other humans without being judgemental of them- for a moment forgetting the things that keep us grounded to rationalism and for a little while take us to the sky in our little flights of fancy- just like when we were kids.

So that was my most favourite happening of the world cup- a 2 year old octopus providing us a bridge to talk to each other all the while allowing us to laugh to ourselves a little bit! Allowing us to drop our pretence of seriousness and smile without expectation! I’m sure I could say Thank you, but he wouldn’t understand- I’m about as knowledgeable about octopus language as Paul is about English. But I’ll make it a point to buy him a nice tasty shellfish if i’m ever in Germany. Not so much because he predicted 8 matches right (How did he???) but because he gave us something else to see- no the blood and gore, not the intense competition of the World Cup, supposed referee blunders or the annoying Texas Chainsaw called the Vuvuzela, not the regional, national and international dangers that await all of us. He gave us 15 mins of tranqulity- to see a peaceful octopus swim from one end of his tank to another, open a tasty morsel of food, and each it- with the satisfaction of a 2 year old child. He gave me something to hold onto in an otherwise evanescent and shifty world.

A Decade of changes

Do our origins determine the people we become, or do situations change us in ways we can never fathom? And at what point in life does the past become a stranger to us all?

I still remember the pigeons cooing, the sparrows chirping, an incredibly large tree- I still don’t know which species it is- all I remember is my Biology teacher pointing towards it and telling me about its genus and species. Some buildings have been torn down, others constructed to help my school come of age in an ever changing world.

As I walk through the 3^rd Eleven field, I can almost see myself 12 years ago- running down this field– I guess I wasn’t as fat then! Ajax walks down with his cane and shoos everyone to attend assembly and all I can think about at this time is if my shoes are shiny enough so that the prefect wouldn’t catch me. Or wait- my hair appears too long and I am going to get caught! And to beat it all i cant find my hymn book! At this point I’m sweating and palpitating. My uniform doesn’t look ironed enough and I don’t look smart enough! Oh wait! There’s the hymn book! I can muster some courage after all.

I sit here today in corporate attire seeing myself go through the motions- most of my teachers aren’t teaching at Cottons anymore. The lady who showed me how to write has moved to the Middle East. The lady who piqued my curiosity about History has now gone home to Kerala. There’s a strange silence around this place. A place oddly familiar- where the stories of the past do not meld into the continuity of the present.

Its 10 years since I graduated out of Cottons- 10 years of change. I cant seem to shake away that nagging feeling of being in an extremely unfamiliar place. True everyone says there’s no experience like going to a place you’ve known after a long time to see the changes you’ve had since then.

But heres the question- what do you do when you realise that a part of you does not live anymore? I walk through tower block and I remember my friends there- I feel nothing! I walk through the cafeteria and see myself standing in the queue for donuts. I feel nothing! One ought to feel a sense of nostalgia, or longing or atleast some contentment and satisfaction. All i see is a guy 10 years younger than me running around to eat Donuts… I guess thats where the similarity ends.

The rest of me, from ten years ago is a stranger to the present me – a strange sense of déjà vu combined with an out of body experience- Paradoxical, confusing, and a little scary.

Ten years ago I graduated from this place. Got an amazing education that I could never afford (Thanks mum and Dad!). its supposed to be my ten year anniversary, graduating with a decent score- all the while walking- Nec Detrorsum, Nec Sinistrorsum, but On Straight On.

Frome being a believer, I’ve become more cynical. Yet theres a part of me that wants to be the guy from ten years ago. Running through the field, scared, happy, contended, doubtful, playful.

I guess coming back here was good because I got to see the person I was. But there’s a large difference between that and the person I am now – too large a gap that perhaps can never be bridged.

Yet I walk on- Knowing that i have a part to play in this world-insignificant as it may be.

To Mrs Sneha Ramesh and Mrs Rema Pillai I say- Thank you. The parts of my life that you discovered for me, kept me happy through the years, and will continue to do so. Its a gift that Ican neither quantify nor substitute.